9:12pm :: Cat? Cat at UH, near Engineering Building. Where did it come from? Is there some kind of army of cats just roaming the UH campus? That would be cool I think. Real lazy week. Worked on the highways page, almost to the point where I can put it online and then work on it. How exciting. Sports is boring.

But I'm more boring. Yes, it's true. Planned the Spring Break odyssey. Microsoft says 1600 miles. Might be less than that because of all the program difficulties. Might be more than that because of all of my senseless meandering and getting lost (relatively). Writing in Courier anytime soon? No? Okay. I'll either stay in San Angelo or Abilene. It depends on how I feel at the time. I may go out and get some monstrous flu or stomach virus. I might just be better off going to West Texas or Big Bend again, but I guess I should see the Panhandle before I leave Texas.

I was just looking at Western and Northern Arkansas. Nah. There aren't many parks up there, just lots of mountains, which is still cool I guess. Of course, no deserts or big mythical canyons. After all, that ain't my hood.

Okay, I want to write down the parks I intend to see on my way:

Baylor University Ruins (Washington County), Pedernales Falls, San Angelo State Park, Caprock Canyons, Palo Duro, Copper Breaks, Possum Kingdom, Dinosaur Valley. That's about it, but again, it may change. I need to write out my intended route and potential side-trips. I originally wanted an unplanned trip, but fuck that, I have to plan a little. I've found that the best trips are somewhat planned and follow a loose itenirary, but leave ample room for changes. This is what I want, I guess. I have to entertain myself, make him happy. You know what I mean. aklsdjfkls;dfj

10:12pm :: The coffee is retchedly stale, and somewhat weak, but it's free. What? It's February? Shit, how long have I been asleep? Nevermind. Emails? Yes yes yes. No. Too many tests. The online syllabus says the test was last Thursday, but I thought it was this Tuesday. Well, I hope I'm right. Memories and little drops of water on your forehead all night while you're asleep. Not going to sleep til about 3. Figure I'll stay up late as hell tonight, go in about 3pm tomorrow, leave about 9pm. Go in tomorrow about 8, leave at 3:30 or 4. I need 9.5 more hours for 25. Of course, I shouldn't even be worrying about that.

Damnation. Why is it called "King Cobra?" Because the running joke at A-Busch was "Damn, this tastes like cobra piss!" I remember listening to KLOL once with this guy calling stuck in traffic saying how his tank was almost empty and his bladder was almost full (of beer). Why do we need to brag about breaking our civil laws? Lighting up a joint in a public place, software duplication, drunk driving, is this really civil disobediance? Or have we, as a society, become more numb to such acts to the point where we need something much more extreme to even consider it an acknowledgable act of deviance? I don't know, just theories thrown out in the air. And anyway, why is civil disobediance something to bragged about? It should be committed for a greater cause than the furthering of others' perceptions of you.

AH! Damn this caffeine. I was going to make nachos, but I might just put the damn chips back in the bag. Who needs food when you have appetite suppressants? Screw nutrition. The electrolytes will have to wait.

I'm impatient now though. Very on edge it seems. Damn this caffeine. I can't believe it's this late.

12:45pm :: I realize that I'm overqualified (or rather, underqualified in the right areas but overqualified in the wrong areas) for the jobs that I've been applying for. I don't believe I could afford to live off menial salaries anymore. Saw a job posting for the City, writing a newsletter. Shit, I could do that. $10/hour I think. I'm definitely considering administrative stuff now since I know Office well and have "excellent communication skills." Well, not really. What would Coke taste like without caffeine? Maybe just like Caffeine-free Coke? What happened to that stuff? I thought it tasted pretty good.

I've decided to avoid the why completely and send everyone to another person who has a vague idea of my answer. I don't want to go into my stupid speech on my reasoning behind "The Why is not important," and will instead concentrate on finishing up the month and making sure they hire a suitable replacement. I'm also going to advise Pallavi to leave, since they will suddenly expect everything that I do to be done by her, which is more than she or anyone else seems to realize. I'm almost certain that they'll get some loser who comes in every day and puts in his/her 20 hours and goes home, without really giving a damn. But, fuck it. I shouldn't worry about this. I've got two tests on Tuesday that I will probably get B's on.

AHHH. I suppose I could just fall back on pizza. I was making roughly $15/hr including tips and minus gas. But shit, my car would probably sputter and collapse, like that cartoon dune-buggy used to. And that wouldn't be making the most of my skills. Plus it's probably much different now, lots more drivers since the economy is so bad, and that means way less money to be made. Oh well, I've got a month...I think.

1:40am :: la la la la la la. "74 pounds, gone!" Escape. Escapism. Dualism. Twoism. Ted Leo on Conan right now. Not very good. Need to escape. To some coastal paradise, where you can lie with your windows open at night and fall asleep to palm leaves rustle in the wind and fall to the ground. Things have certainly gone to hell, and I'm stuck with my own brand of optimism. Opium? No no, I'll have none of that. Tonight there was 40, and then roughly 24 in about 5 hours. Do as much poisoning as I can. I wish I could grow corn here. For some reason, I never eat on the cob anymore, only the occasional plate of Green Giant, or some Bird's Eye shit. Tomorrow will probably be a day at home, or maybe a long drive somewhere. Colin needs time to himself. A little reclusiveness in an already-reclusive life. It's hard to get away from people when everyone has to look at you. But I guess you have to look at something. "That's My Bush" was cancelled before September 11, but I would like to see something replace it. Something to at least attempt to inform people. Nevermind.

8:48pm :: Television? Only at a reasonable volume. Actually, fuck television. It is lying and conniving. A figurehead of the greater evils and vices. Is "Knives Out" about England in WWII? Hmm. Anyway, I decided to apply at Everyone's Internet. I believe that I am somewhat overqualified, but maybe not. We'll see. Probably shouldn't start until May. Turned in the 71 hour time sheet today. That's $852 before taxes. But look what it buys you! A happy web developer! Well, not really. True happiness is acheived only through true enlightenment and self-actualization. WHAT?! Excuse me while I slap myself for being an ass.

My glowing Santa needs to be in the fucking street-facing window. Or maybe the driveway-facing one. So the neighbors can be like "What the hell is that?" I like this neighborhood a lot. Everytime I go out walking, there are lots of other people walking. Something very reassuring about that. Who needs Orbital when you've got Jesus Jones to listen to. Oh, on top of the $650 check I got today, and the roughly $800 one which I will receive in a week, half.com gave me my $88. This does not cover the expenses for the textbooks this semester. Down about $100. Screw it. It's the last semester. MY last semester. We need a good mass murderer. Someone to scare the bejesus out of the metro population. Lock your doors, don't go walking alone, don't talk to strangers, don't count your chickens because they'll turn around and PECK YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT in your sleep. That's what the world doesn't need: an intelligent chicken. That one that plays tic-tac-toe in Vegas is not smart. I mean a chicken that could reason, solve problems, and plan. One that thinks long and hard about his/her investment future.

Funny? I'm not going to take a test for a potential (and very likely) job because I'd rather go to the beach. Life is more fun from a short-term perspective. Why worry about all of this money bullshit when you can just eat Campbell's soup and Kroger saltines for the rest of your life? No, that's not why. Fuck this job search. Houston sucks. I need a REAL Santa hat. Made from the blood of labor-friendly elves. Yeah kid, they're out there. Watch out when it gets close to Christmas, they know that it's the best time to strike. Then come in the Pinkertons and just pick off the fuckers, one by one, club in the back of the head so hard their eyes pop out. Enough of this violence, I must retire to the chamber. I seek to rise super-stupid early tomorrow to put in a good day's work. Just talkin bout shaft.

9:12pm :: I love laundry! It's the highlight of my stupid little life. It keeps me up every fucking time. That stupid fucking dryer that only goes up to 60 on the timer but takes 80 or 90 to actually dry a reasonable load. Saw a job in Alpine today. Man, that would be cool...for two weeks. I don't think I could take being out of a reasonably-large urban environment for more than a month.

Television is worthless. Radio is predictably monotonous. All media are unobjective and disregardless of ethics. What does this mean to me? Nothing. Job idea: Work at CoT until September or so with about 25 hours (raise to $15/hour), get another bullshit job near the apartment. What's that? Right. Why stay another year when I can technically leave in 6 months? This is much better I think. For my health, sanity, and future. Anyway, why look now in this paralyzed economy? THERE IS NOTHING IN HOUSTON...FOR YOU, FOR ANYONE. Houston is a dead town, full of lost individuals; a cemetary for the virile social stakeholder. Iamspoonbender. Stupid Kirstie Alley movie on; about a retarded girl. Television is worthless, marketing executives are heartless and unrelenting. Where's the money in that? I have $2 in my wallet. I suppose this will be dinner tomorrow, or maybe a trip to Starbucks. Maybe not. Givit up.

8:35pm :: The question of the soul is raised in Miller's book. I think his greatest flaw is raising these incredibly intuitive questions, only to answer them right away in the next few sentences. Despite this, Miller recognizes that the woman seeks ownership of the soul. Maybe not ownership, but at least understanding. Is this achieved through love? I doubt it. I think that the only way to define "the soul" is that for which a woman lusts. For a woman, it seems that the more carnal desires come secondary, and are almost disregarded when confronted with the potential of this much more intuitive conquest. The only time that I recognize the soul as having a potential to reveal itself in its true and genuine form is, as Miller alludes to, that strange moment after the consumation. It is strange because, when you think of it objectively, you would expect at least some level of discomfort and displacement for both parties, but this is rarely the case. I've always found that both myself and my partner are eager to speak, bare that which we would normally conceal. Is this the soul? No. The soul is that moment of silence; when lust ends, but before this outpouring of emotions begins. This, I believe, is the only sensibly considerable existence of a soul. Is this metaphysical? Yes. Too metaphysical for me? Definitely. But I'm full of shit anyway, so why not extend my hypocrisy a little bit more?

I've noticed that everytime I speak of the pettiness of life, my own and that of others, people get uncomfortable. I don't know if this is because they feel insulted, or because they think this is indicative of a suicidal depressive madman. Is that what I am? No. But I can't be the only one who is fully conscious of how truly ridiculous all of this is. 80 or so years of treading water. Going nowhere but still moving. I'm probably wrong though. I wonder if people do truly take me seriously when I pass myself off as intelligent, assertive, and outright golden. A Golden Child? No. That bloody oatmeal really freaked me out as a kid.

Despite this, by the senseless rambling, it's obvious that I've ingested a large amount of caffeine, and I can no longer discern the shiver of the cold from that of the drug. The job interview today. In a small office, staffed by Hispanic women, surrounded by well-dressed saps 5-10 years my senior, nervously awaiting questions. I'm too honest to get a decent job. Too ethical for business, and not serious enough for art. If I had a million dollars, I would drive to San Diego. Then, after I got bored with it, up the Pacific coast to the Olympic peninsula. I'll never see the edge of the earth, but I'd like to at least try and feel its true distance. If I had the ability, I would visit the top of every tall building in Houston and peer out of every window, asking the occupants why they didn't appreciate the view more. A different view every time, so as not to take it for granted.

I wish I had time to clean, this place is filthy. Most likely unsanitary, but I think I've gotten used to this level of poverty. My intenstine churns out all sorts of strange bacteria, and my nose shoots out all mixtures of gas and liquids. Is it strange to us that our own apparently impervious bodies can be turned into a putrid smoke with the right amount of heat? It's strange to think of all of this "matter" in a singular concept.

This is boring, eh?

8:15pm :: I think that it would be best, in every situation, to foresee the end at the beginning. The realization that the road will end, at one point or another, however many miles ahead it may be. Eventually, you will have to turn. This never happens though, of course. Relationships go on slowly without mention of this inevitability. As the band deteriorates, I find myself in a position where I can't help but feel unsure, but still seem to be completely in control. I think it's great that I don't worry about things like this, and that I realize how truly petty and superficial most things in my life are. Maybe I just don't care anymore. There is no volatility, no hostility, and only a limited amount of reflection and evaluation. But this is, of course, silly in every sense of my own principals and methods. Just follow the river, and if the current pulls you to the banks, just paddle back out. Not fate necessarily, just the wil of things in general.

Despite this, I am still preoccupied with my job situation. It's still difficult to grasp however, that the situation is not dyre in any way. I still have over 3 months to find a job, so I am not terribly worried. I, of course, hope to get calls on the 8 or so that I've applied for already, but I am not really expecting anything. A train sounds very different in cold weather; the whistle is almost a cry, and its piercing dissonance is sort of lost in the darkness. It's certainly impeding the night's continuity, but the night puts up a reasonable fight, as if not to lose face in the situation. All of these stereotypes about the noise of city life are unfounded. Though maybe this just supports the assertion of myself, and many others, that Houston is not a real city. Lost focus? Yes definitely. It's only 9 and I'm already tired. Although there is no real hurry to break down this cycle. Why worry? Maybe I'll talk to a girl tomorrow, finally express some interest in her. Of course, she is in one of my work groups, so it could come back and bite me in the ass. We'll see though.