8:28pm :: What? No entries so I can't look back at this time? Screw that. What is our society? It's a society of refills. But not only refills, expected refills. We believe, deep in our American hears, that as American consumers, we have the explicit right to American refills. Is this assumption correct? Not always, but I think it's a fair generalization. I'm not just talking about drinks at fast food places, I also mean gas, drinking and bathing water, and other non-liquid, more metaphorical refills, such as love, power, sense of meaning and purpose, endeavor and drive, and happiness. In this consumer-obsessed culture we are fostered into believing that the rest of the world is here to fulfill our needs and requires not much more from us, other than to be an active member of society. Vote, buy your house, fuck your wife, love your mom. How can someone honestly expect to deviate from this path? And in a realistic and much more objective light, how can they expect to live happily ever after? These refills are more often reinforcements; a Thorndike manner in which to keep us comfortable with our existence. Is this a pretentious statement or what?

Anyway, what's going on with this job shit? I worked my ass off and did I really get anywhere? Yes, but only in a certain perspective. I need to apply for jobs soon. I keep getting pressured into it, although in my mind I have the question of "When have I ever applied for a job 4 months before I could work there?" I suppose this is the way the refill culture does things, so I must go along quietly. Passivity? No, just hoping not to be left behind, spinning in the breeze of the others who ran to the front. Chinese bus queue? Yes, in some ways.

I think I know my Geometry pretty damn well

1:20pm :: Coffee? No...coffee. Lots of studying to do tonight. Luckily with no tv, I have no excuse. Rabbit ears? No, I have to go out to fucking Target (added sarcastic French pronounciation) to get them so I'm putting it off. Time Warner sent me a pink bill claiming I owed them $80 and that I'd better pay or my cable would be cut off tomorrow. I'm glad I'm documenting this. It'll show me later in life how uninteresting everything was, and how I was so hypocritical in focusing on these stupid petty things. Really I just like fucking with these big monsters that are truly milking the entertainment-seeking portion of this country (basically all of us).

Enough, enough. I can't take all your rhetoric constantly. Coffee and water. Coffee is water...basically. How globally-applicable is the tortoise/hare fable? Think about it, long and hard. I think all of this caffeine and alcohol intake is eating my nerves. My page won't work correctly and it bothers me. Expect new shuai ge design soon. I also want to do my html-related page and finish my highways page. I'm working on an exit guides design at home. It will be mostly css-based, but...yeah. They gotta start fucking around with the network every time I'm trying to leave. I really need to study, and sleep. But sleep is not imperative. I must get a good grade, this is the mission. Who cares if the material is absolute bullshit, it's important to get a good grade, right? AH!

2:10pm :: Busy? Yes. Also didn't upload. But what's that but nothing. Schoolwork to catch up on, work to do, bills to pay online. GO.

Maybe not both of them now. So damn, while the server is being a bitch... Job opportunities in Malaysia? Most definitely, but that's far. It involves visas, plane tickets, and massive communications back and forth. The updated resume is in production, but I'm not sure that it will do me any good. I think that I've done a lot here, but I don't know how much I should actually put on there. Where's my computer? Kroger is getting a nice letter of appreciation from me very soon. I think I should leave school just so I am no longer supporting the textbook publishing industry. Fascists, all of them. yeah

4:10pm :: What's that? 4pm? Why, yes sir Cap'n Crunch, we have a table for you. No doubt about it, you're the shit. Kroger was out of Mrs. Baird's cinammon rolls this morning. What's that all about? Are these things a valuable commodity? I got mini-muffins instead, on sale. Should buy cereal though. Coffee tonight probably. It's going to get fucking cold. I'll probably leave around 6 today since I haven't been working enough and need to make up the hours. If anyone calls, I'm in the shower, so take a fucking a message. Tyler sold his book today. Kind of disappointing because I won't make any money from it. Either way, ends way. I haven't been listening to music lately at home because my cable is still on and I feel like I have to milk it since it's now technically free. I feel guilt occassionally in being so cheap, but I suppose it's better than being poor but making plenty of money, like I am now. Espera un momento! Nevermind. Between uncomfortably-friendly tong xue and the relentless fatigue, the week has gone by fairly well, however insipid it may have seemed, I think I will remember it. Say good-bye to the trees, and give the dirt a warm embrace. Hug a cop today. The lovable and memorable scenes. But I suppose my memory is on a slow tangent. What does that mean, Colin? I don't know, take it as a rhethorical status report on the spiritual self amongst a barrage of otherwise senseless rhetoric.

9:10am :: No point in going into the specifics of rhyme and reason. What? No. Started "Tropic of Cancer." Miller is an amazing writer, but I'll see if I actually like the story, I do so far. It has been especially cold these few days. Jackets are necessary. Hands in the pockets, walking face down, head against the wind. My hands chapped up and cracked a few days ago. That hasn't happened for a long time. I suppose my skin has been atuned to these tropical environments so much to the point of no longer being able to physically take cold winds and such. But it's not like it's snowing. I'm thinking coffee tonight. Sit around, maybe actually read some of school stuff. Actually, that's a good idea. Print it out. Just bought most of my textbooks on half.com. Too expensive, too many. Although I've made like $100 from selling other ones. I won't worry about this now. Maybe later.

2:28pm :: So, my youth-bound college years have been gradually eroded away by procrastination and the inability to grasp a larger scope. My final semester. Class? Yes. I have one at 4pm, and will go. Supposedly it's online, but it's not on my WebCT. I suppose some of these faculty reject WebCT, most likely out of arrogance. The WebCT MANA 4397 is there, and I have an orientation on Friday morning. Who would have known? Follow your knows. I think I should just sleep now, for an hour or so. I think I could pass out on my desk. Sleep with my gnat and dust mite friends. Get to know their environment a little better. How long do gnats live? In China, there was a gnat in my bathroom that I swear was alive for close to 6 months. He used to sit on my tub faucet, and every morning when I turned the shower on, I would splash water on him. A cold and terrifying "Wake Up!" I suppose. But the gnat is dead, China is in the past, and that time is no more. I am older, wiser, and so much more lethargic. Would it be un-American to play the national anthem in reverse? I always see people with flags upside down on their cars but then they have some other sticker saying "Proud to be an American" or some other rhetorical bullshit. This confuses me, but when I see this I can only assume that they are much more confused than I am. I suppose that this is reassuring; that there are these people out there that are so ignorant. Of course there are, weren't you watching the last election? You put some pretty faces on the Nazis, give them some good media coverage and BAM, you've got a Congress full of fascists. At least they'll have something to use to fill all that air time on MSNBC and Fox News. My cable is still working. Why? I'm going to write them a letter. Lots more letters. I wrote a couple of insane emails last night. Both people probably think I've lost it, especially they haven't heard from me in so long. I'll call Tyler a little later today with another time announcement. I know he appreciates these. But also: CLASS. Work? Yeah, I should.

3:48pm :: Today the weather is locked into the sort of depressing funk that seems to curse the north-end of the coastal 30th parallel. We resign ourselves to our dark, messy rooms, but feel the need to get out into an environment of artificial light, simply it's because it's a weekend. I can barely type now because of cold hands and caffeine. If I ever make a movie, Hal Sparks will be in it. Screenplay? Maybe a reclusive college male who talks incessantly about moving West and the protestant role in the collapse of the American dream. What do you think? I can't believe he was in "Queer As Folk." Although I never saw it, I can only assume that it perpetuates this myth of American gay male culture. Why am I expending all of my creative energy on this silly little journal, when I could be writing thousands of letters to various authors and officials? Isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing? I have no idea anymore what is expected of me. Not really me personally, but more someone in my situation. But what is my situation? I don't think I'm milking capitalism, nor am I suckling any other overy-optimistic philosophy. I should start reading the Chronicle and write letters to them on every article. The Press just isn't very interesting, nor is the Cougar. Come one, come all; the opportunity of the Sun Belt awaits you. On a side not, Time Warner has yet to cut my cable, and I am now exploiting a terribly-disorganized organization. I owe them money, and will eventually pay it, but in the mean time, they can blow me. It's silly how dependent I am on these utitlities. But how utilitarian are they? From an economic standpoint, am I exploiting my options? My gas and electric bills seem to stay the same, despite the time of year, or how much I actually use. The phone company will remain a group of neo-fascists, who will be exposed as government co-conspirators, listening in on the conversations of black-listed anarchists. Where are these people? Why do all these groups seem so faceless and intangible? I suppose any philosophy is bound to resign itself to this sort of mode of operation eventually. I think I should start listing my nationality as Tanganyikan, or some other obscure, extinct republic so that I can in no way be taken seriously. Either way, letters are necessary for the survival of this aggressive youthful assertiveness. Where have all the flowers gone? Fun in the sun? Yep. I'm sure they're living it up in Jamaica, or some piss-poor Latin American Carribbean nation. I wish I had more food. I could stock my freezer with Sara Lee pies, fine European cheese, and decent beer. This means more money of course. Why I am constantly blowing my money on stupid bullshit? Because I am sucker by every sense of the definition of the word. Right now I think I should write something about the American Dream. Something objective, or just outright objectiveless. They're about the same thing in reality. Look left, now.

10:33am :: Go? Yes, go. No band practice. Cancelled. Why? Not sure. No time. Note time, now. All filed for graduation. Orientation for online course big waste of time. Houston Room full of fellow UH losers. They care as much as I do, maybe less. I have a headache. One quart Carta Blanca, $1.49 + tax. Coffee? Maybe. It's that kind of day. Sit back and watch the slow turn of events. Driving to the woodlands this afternoon. sheng ri kuai le. I might get another job this semester (additional job). I'm going to talk to Tom on Monday and see if he wants me to work 35 hours/week or 25 hours/week. I think it would be cool to work somewhere else also. Since I have two online classes and only two "real" courses, I will have a lot of free time. Tuesday/Thursday will be the only class days. Let me know. What? No, that bag of M&M's is not mine, because I finished mine off last week. Yes, last week. Right? New dessert idea: M&M's and bananas in a bowl. Now that's healthy eating! Eat it with a spoon, maybe with milk. Very tired. Not much sleep last night, not really sure why. Nap from 5:30-9pm. Why? I don't know, I was tired and cold. Loneliness? Maybe. I should probably find a girl this semester, but I probably won't. Why? Because it's not important; it never was.

2:23pm :: Going up to see the MCL Advisor at Agnes Arnold Hall today, I came across a poster for a graduate course, "Introduction to Cognitive Science" PHIL 6395. Of course, I couldn't take it even if I wanted to. But the sample questions on the flier really amazed me; three in particular: Is language innate? Are there hidden biases in human reasoning? Did evolution determine what we find beautiful? It's crazy because I've been thinking about these exact questions for a long time. I have my own theories on the answers, but I'd be really interested in at least sitting in on some of the discussions to the answers to these questions. Will that happen? Not a chance. It seems that there is no hope for an undergraduate student who is seeking some sort of subjective environment in which to think and learn. I came up with a new leg of my plan for post-graduation today: get teacher's certification in Tucson, move to Singapore to teach. I like Singapore a lot more than China, but would need some sort of genuine job to support me there because of the expenses. After that I could move on to China and get an even better teaching job. Maybe reverse though: maybe go to China first and Singapore second. I don't know. First thing is first. File for graduation. Today? Maybe. I'd like to give these know-it-all dipshits a kick in the arse so that I can just get what I need. Shit man, I'd do it myself if I had the ability, but they got all this god damn red tape I have to go through. Enough Enough. Go.

1:50pm :: Fucking coffee kept me awake until like 1. I got so paranoid that I had to turn on a light in the other room. I forgot about my sometimes intense reactions to certain stimulants. Either it sucks. Cable is gone. The TW people didn't seem happy about losing me, and I was asked three times what was wrong, refusing to answer. I suppose I could've really fucked with them and said that I was switching to satellite, but then I would have gotten like 50 calls from the sales department, offering me all kinds of great deals on digital cable. TV blows, and so do I most likely. Actually so does the radio, most of it anyway. I can't listen or watch any news anymore because it always drives me into a frenzy. All this talk of bullshit, unprovoked wars with third-world countries just makes me hate the ignorant side of the government even more. Part of my salary is paying for this bullshit. Bush wants to cut tax on dividends. What the hell is that about? He takes all this crap for giving the earlier tax cut to mostly the wealthy, and now a tax cut that is so obviously aimed at the upper brackets? How many poor people do you know own dividend-bearing stock? How many single parents living pay check-to-pay check, keeping off of welfare out of pride are worried about their financial future, or whether or not they will retire in Italy or Phoenix? I won't worry about this now because I really need to get back to work. Until that time, or this time...

9:15pm :: Coffee. Caffeine. You can smell the tanins in my piss and the stank on my breath from 6 feet away. I suppose it's better (and cheaper) than drinking natural ferment. But whoever said it wasn't? I was told today that I was interesting, mainly because I "speak three languages." That statement is bullshit simply because I don't consider speaking three languages to be the act of sporadically constructing sentences with a fake accent, and most of the time getting it wrong. Nothing is interesting about this life, but nothing is bad either. I thought about Houston and how I fit into the staggered metropolis, and concluded that I would be much less happy and much more distrurbed living somewhere like, say, Keokuk, IA. I suppose that Houston is not a fake city, but it is not a real city either. Living outside of the urbanesque domain, I would be discontent without sleepy, midnight runs to Kroger, weeknight hours of Starbucks solice, or more than a 2-hour drive to tidal waters. I suppose this new contemplation and analysis of the only place I can call "home" has been brought on by the approaching reality of my departure. But what about China, Colin? Fuck it, it's not going anywhere, although I suppose the vast opportunity it presents might. It is still absolutely pertinent to me that I keep up my Mandarin, in some way or another. I'm sure there are some Chinese in Arizona. I remember seeing some crime show showing the murder of a Chinese college student at ASU. So they're there, if only in small numbers, probably desperate to speak Chinese. Who isn't though? This week of work will probably present few opportunities for slacking. I do have quite a few projects hanging over my head. Plenty of stuff I'd like to do, underneath the things that I have to do. I put in almost 8 hours today, and will probably put in just as much tomorrow. My bass drum head broke on Saturday, and since we have a scheduled practice tomorrow, I will have to pick up one sometime between 3 and 7pm. This is my mission. Poverty? Oh yes, very much. Okay, I'm not in poverty by any means. I still have quite a large sum stuffed away in the bank, and two checks left to deposit. But still, it is far from my general nestegg threshold. My car payment remains ridiculous, and this is my most impending long-term concern. I suppose this car could last me until the loan's maturity, but I had planned to not let it reach that point. Of course, back then I was planning on being in China as soon as I graduated. That has changed. Pushed back through months of contemplating non-self-assuredly. So how does this otherwise confident young man turn into a trivial mass of indecision and worry? For all the suckers, I am not that man; no one is that man. All men who may be perceived this way are just little boys keeping their eyes down, waiting to be led by someone else, who will probably never come. This is why the idea of God exists in the first place. The concept of forging your own way is bullshit, as is being completely self-reliant. It bothers that I will be, most likely, forever in debt, and forever attached to some intangible and unrelenting force. Adam Smith wants you to stay in debt, it's good for the economy. You really have no choice in the matter anymore. I think that's rambling enough.

7:47pm :: I have absolutely decided to cancel my cable. I turned the bastard on about three times today and was thrown into an almost rage just as much. If it's not commercials about internet service, generational automobiles, or some other ad perpetuating this senseless consumer-oriented economic security, it's the propaganda and dribble of the evening news programs. Damn. I was tempted to go get a pizza tonight, but I determined that this was not in the poverty mode game plan. It's been snacks: pretzels, cheap burrito, and cookies. E.L. Fudge. I remember when these came out. E.L. Fudge was supposed to be one of the elv's names. I suppose he was ostricized from that little arboreal cult, since he has never again shown his face to the consumer audience. Reading, more reading. All the pictures up on the web site now. I took some allergy medicine and worked like a fucking horse all day. I suppose this isn't something I should repeat too much. It all works out in the end though. I've decided the following: after graduating, I will live and work in Houston until roughly February of 2004, when I will find a job in one of western states (NM, Southwest TX, AZ, UT, South CA outside LA, NV) as a web developer. Here I will continue my education by either purusing a Master's degree or getting my teaching certification. After that? Zhong Guo. Will it work out for me? Maybe. My dad said last night that the economy was going to improve. I've been hearing this for a while and don't believe it. The monkeys on the box say that the unemployment is nothing compared to previous recessions. Well shit, I wasn't in the work force in a previous recession, I guess I'm out of luck then. Off to the slums for me. No, that's just pessimism. Fuck that. I figure that I'm too immature right now to live in China and maintain what's left of my socially-acceptable personality. I'm just too unstable, too disociative, too pissed off to leave the country that quickly, or rather to invest myself into a new one. Agree? I thought so. Moose often get drunk on rotten apples and terrorize people in Maine and various other far northern states. I wonder if the other moose realize what's going on and avoid them just like we avoid our drunks. If so, why don't those fucking moose just not eat the apples? I suppose they would ask the same of us given the chance.

12:25am :: Okay, technically Sunday, but whatever. Why do I stay up late all the time? Because I know that I have basically nothing to do tomorrow. I suppose this is how my life will be after college. I'll probably have to cut the drinking down though. I suppose it's too much. Saw an old friend's mom at Kroger a few minutes ago. Why is that messed up? Because she lives in The Woodlands and has practically no reason to be at the River Oaks Kroger at 11:30 on a Saturday. I see people from my past there a lot it seems. Maybe that particular store is some sort of mixing point for my life. That's a little too metaphysical to be believed though. I'd really like to get those pictures developed. Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully the x-ray thing at LAX didn't zap the film or something, it's always a worry. What's happening tonight? Nothing. I am on poor mode, yes. So why alcohol? I don't know, just desperate. Ran out of wine and needed something. Reasonably-priced beer. I'm beginning to think that I drink out of loneliness. I know that I don't necessarily need anyone, but I seem to need alcohol. I suppose that no one really needs alcohol, but it's still strange. Where's the music? Where's the flavor? We need some life, some extension of self-induldgence. Whatever that is. Who needs life when you have undue proclamations. Whatever those are. How many points do I have on Southwest? Good question, Colin. I'll just have to see. I can't wait for class to start now. I have plenty to do once it actually does, and I should have a good semester. Why? I don't know, I just should, for once. Just this once.

1:35pm :: Did someone say space? Yes, back from LA and the various excursions in between. Everything worked out fine, and just I had assumed, I spent a tremendous amount of money. Therefore, I am now on poor mode: lots of work, no going out, eat rice. How was LA? It was alright, I suppose I had expected to do more hiking. Went out once to an area north of Malibu. Pictures? Nope. My camera was stolen out of someone's car, so I no longer have the quick-fix abilities of digital photography. I do still have my regular camera however, and I took plenty of pictures of the hiking in Austin. btw, I am in great fucking shape now! I pushed myself like a bastard yesterday and today I'm not tired at all. I could go hiking again if I could (make sense, no?). Band practice today? Maybe. I had called Thad at 10pm last night and left a message, hoping that he would relay it to the other members. If not, no big deal. I'm in the mood for a sitting-on-my-ass weekend. Why am I at work then now? Money money money. Something is going on here today and the front door was open. ??? My neighbor pulled my mail out for me while I was gone. What a nice guy. I can imagine the conversation now, but I won't induldge. Wrote some stuff out there which I will post here soon. Bought a Hunter Thompson book which led me to want to read the Kerouac book Tyler gave me, as well as two other Thompson books I have yet to read. So much reading to do. Makes me want to give on this whole bullshit life and just sit on top of the Enchanted Rock (pictures soon) and look out at the greatness of the Texas Llano/Hill Country. Who loves LA? Not me, not really.